


Decaf Coffee

by quantumoddity



Series: Perc'ildan [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Family Feels, Fluff, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trans Male Character, Trans Pregnancy, Trans Vax'ildan (Critical Role), discussions of dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-18 18:40:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21281411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quantumoddity/pseuds/quantumoddity
Summary: Percy and Vax discuss their future
Relationships: Percival "Percy" Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III/Vax'ildan
Series: Perc'ildan [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1522451
Comments: 1
Kudos: 89





	Decaf Coffee

It started as a series of small realisations. Alone, they were just moments passing by, it was only when Vax thought about them all at once that things made sense. 

It was the way Percy would only cry over a film if it included a family, particularly if there was an emotional reunion at the end. It was how he’d linger in the clothes sections of stores, finding an excuse to hang back amongst the children’s clothes, smiling at racks of mini dungarees and shoes that looked impossibly tiny for any feet. It was how he’d eagerly make plans with Molly and Caleb, only to spend the whole time hunkered down on the floor with their son and daughter, happily playing any role they gave him in their imaginary games. 

And it dawned on Vax at the most random time, when he was stood in the doorway that lead to the en suite, watching as Percy stretched out across the bed. He just looked so peaceful in that moment, lying on his stomach, hair sticking up from the shower. 

Vax just stood there and let it sink in that he had his whole life ahead of him with this man. He’d signed for him and everything; he had the ring to prove it. 

And maybe it was that thought, that idea of the future they had together, that knitted those dispirate moments together in a way that made sense. 

Still tasting peppermint toothpaste on his tongue, Vax padded over and curled up next to Percy, wrapping his arms around him. 

Percy laughed softly as he turned to embrace him, hand slipping down and resting lightly where his oversize college rugby jersey ended and Vax’s thigh began, “Finally come to join me, darling?”

Vax nodded, “I was just thinking.”

“Oh?” Percy’s lips softly met the crown of his head. Vax was notoriously clingy, the way he immediately anchored onto him like a drowning swimmer to a life preserver wasn’t worrying but there was something in his voice, “Would you like to share what you were thinking about?”

His husband seemed to pause, exhaling softly before he murmured, “You want a kid, don’t you, Freddy?”

Percy stopped, his mind running through the long list of things he’d been expecting before that question. And it wasn’t even a question really, it was a statement, a question mark only put at the end for grammatical correctness. 

He opened his mouth to say that he’d never thought about having children before, that it wasn’t something that had entered his mind. An oversight, maybe, given that they were approaching their first anniversary but not something that he’d considered. 

But the words wouldn’t come. Because it was in that moment that he realised they weren’t true. 

“I...I suppose I do,” Percy murmured, after he realised he hadn’t said anything for a very long time, “Though I haven’t given it a lot of thought. Does it... bother you? You seem bothered?”

“I’m not bothered,” Vax didn’t pull away from him, staying tucked up against him like he was a little embarrassed, “I mean, I’m confused. But more about how I feel about it, not about you wanting it.” 

Percy’s fingers worked through his hair, enjoying its smoothness after just being brushed, “It’s okay to feel confused. I mean, I didn’t even know I wanted to be a father until now.”

“Really?” Vax looked up then, eyes wide and dark like some nocturnal animal, “I realised before you did?” 

“Have you tried to be in my mind, Vax? It’s all blueprints and circuit diagrams up here, I don’t understand emotions,” he rather hoped the joke would undercut the realisation that they were talking about quite serious adult stuff now. 

Vax did manage a smile and kissed Percy’s bare shoulder, “I just...I know you and me had shaky relationships with the whole idea of family…” 

“Something of an understatement,” Percy said quietly, feeling a very familiar unpleasantness open up in his stomach, the one that followed having emotionally distant parents and difficult siblings for the biggest part of your childhood, only to have them violently ripped away from you and having preserving their legacy be the only thing able to keep you going through your grief. And once that was done, being unsure why you even did it. 

Vax had his own trauma. He’d talked about it in the same fits and starts, punctuated by nightmares and sobbing fits, that Percy used talked about his own. Their common language. 

He knew he and his twin sister had been taken away from their mother to live with their emotionally abusive father, only to then lose their only source of parental love when their mother passed away. Such a simple way to talk about an event that had shaken Vax so totally, left him unsure of himself, terrified to love anyone for fear they’d be taken away. 

Of course the idea of being a father would terrify Vax. As it should terrify Percy.

But it didn’t. 

Percy stroked his hand down Vax’s nack, fingers making soothing circles in the tighter curls there, “I know we’ve had some… less than ideal role models. But I think that just makes me want to do it more? I think I want the chance to make some things right. Like it might be a way to heal.” 

Vax was quiet for a moment, absorbing that, before he murmured, “I think I want that. Or I  _ want  _ to want that. But I don’t know how to be that brave, I mean I have no idea how to even be a good dad. All I know is… mine. And I couldn’t bear to make someone else go through that?” 

Percy shifted down so he and Vax were eye to eye. So close that Vax could see the little indents on his nose where his glasses sat. 

“Vax’ildan,” he murmured softly, “You are not your father. You’d never act the way he did because you’re a genuinely good person and you’re kind and brave and brilliant. You’re so good to those around you and you’ve already proven that the things he did haven’t got to you. Part of the reason I’m so sure I want to have a family with you is because I know they’d be getting you for a parent.” 

“Oh,” Vax seemed unable to say anything else, doing what he always did when he was confronted with emotions, particularly positive ones about himself, and hiding against Percy. 

Percy had to giggle fondly, his own throat a little thick. He rocked his husband gently, waiting until he was ready to unfurl himself and keep talking. Getting through to him when he was curled up so tight like a woodlouse would be impossible. 

Eventually he felt him relax a little and Percy immediately took the opportunity to kiss both his cheeks, his nose, his eyelids as delicate as a feather. Soon Vax was grinning in spite of the large red spots of blush on his cheeks. 

“Now,” Percy rested his forehead against his husband’s, “I know my words won’t fix everything. And, I do mean this honestly, we absolutely do not have to have a family if you aren’t ready for it. I love what we have right now and if this is what the rest of my life looks like, I’m already the luckiest guy in the world.” 

Vax looked tempted to dive again but he managed to just smile thinly and stroke his hand up under Percy’s pyjama shirt, “I… I kind of guess it’s been in the back of my mind when I’ve been watching you brood so much you can see it from space-”

“Kind of an exaggeration…”

“And I guess it’s been...um...what’s that word for the thing coffee does when you leave it a long time?”

“Percolating?”

“Yeah, that’s it. It’s been doing that. And I think I’ve realised I would like to have a kid, even if I’m kind of terrified of the idea. Does that make sense?” he looked at Percy nervously, like he’d just confessed to something horrible.

Percy smiled tenderly, feeling like he really was going to cry before they reached the end of this conversation, “I think that’s exactly how parenthood is supposed to go, actually.”

That seemed to cheer Vax up, he leaned in and kissed Percy happily, a kiss that had a promise held within it. 

“And I mean,” Percy hummed, holding Vax close, unwilling to have those lips too far away from his own, “The adoption process can take a really long time. Plenty of time to feel more comfortable with it.” 

Vax blinked, “I mean, yeah, that would be nice, I like the idea of giving a kid a home. But… I have all the kit inside me right? I assumed when you were thinking about it you meant… you know, home grown?”

Percy’s eyebrows shot up, “Oh, really? I didn’t know if that was an avenue you’d want to go down?” 

Vax shifted, biting his lip, “I don’t know, it’s just… it’s the first thing I pictured? It would be a pretty big change though…”

Percy nodded slowly, getting the sense that this was a time to stay quiet and listen. He was getting better at spotting those rather than jumping in with a million solutions, desperate to help rather than just sharing the weight of problems. Kiki had pointed that out to him. 

“I… I want to think I can do it,” Vax’s fingers traced anxious patterns up and down his husband’s spine, “But there’s so many voices in my head saying different things about it and I don’t know how to sort them out.” 

“Well…” Percy brightened, realising he could say something useful now, “We could make a list?”

Vax looked at him steadily for a moment before bursting into helpless laughter, “Of course. Of course that’s your answer…”

“Hey!” Percy grinned, cheeks darkening a little but delighted to see his husband laughing, “Don’t knock it until we’ve tried it!”

“Fine, you adorable nerd…” 

Five minutes later and Vax was curled up in his duvet on the overstuffed, cracked leather sofa Percy kept in his workshop for those nights before he met Vax when he’d just give into exhaustion and collapse there, ready to rise like a zombie and keep working the next day. 

Percy brought his chair over, glasses perched at the end of his prominent nose. He put his legs up beside Vax, resting a pad of paper on his knees. It was meant for sketching design ideas but it would do.

“Okay, so we’ll start with the cons,” Percy drew a line down the middle of the page, “What would be bad about carrying this baby? No wrong answers, just say what’s on your mind.”

Vax sighed and pulled a face, “The dysphoria is the main thing. I’d pretty much be at the mercy of it for nine whole months.”

Percy nodded, adding it to the list.

Once he’d gotten the first one out and realised the sky hadn’t fallen in on him, Vax picked up speed, “I’d be passing on my dad’s genes which is just  _ ugh _ …childbirth doesn’t look like a whole lot of fun… it would affect my career, I wouldn’t be able to dance for a while and then I’d have to work really hard to get my fitness levels back up… I’d have to come off T for a while, right?”

Percy nodded, tongue poking out a little as he concentrated, pencil flying across the paper, “Anything else?”

Vax looked like he was trying to get more words out but they were fighting him, “I mean...would it, um...gods, this sounds stupid but would it affect how attractive you found me?”

“Oh Vax…” Percy’s eyes softened. 

“I know, I know,” the half elf hunched further into his mass of blanket, “I just need to hear it?”

Percy nudged Vax gently with one foot, “Vax’ildan, you are the most gorgeous person I know, you’re beautiful inside and out. Nothing will ever change that.”

The tips of those slightly curved ears went cherry red, “Thanks, babe.” 

“Is that all of the cons?” Percy smiles, thinking how badly he wanted to kiss those ears and see if they were as hot to the touch as they looked. 

“Yeah,” Vax nodded, “That’s all the ones I could think of.”

“Righty ho,” Percy turned back to the paper, getting very into this now, “Pros. What would be good?”

Vax seemed to relax, eyes drifting far away, “It would be faster than adopting...and adopting would still be a good option in the future. I haven’t had a real bad period of dysphoria in ages and… well, even if I did, you’d be there to help, right?”

Percy smiled gently, “Every step of the way.”

“And that’s another thing, I really like the idea of doing this with you, making a baby with you...oh, the sex! We’d be obligated to have sex every day, that would be cool.”

“We have sex pretty much every day anyway,” Percy grins but he didn’t disagree. 

Vax softened, “I’d be holding onto a piece of my mama. That would be special. And…the amount she loved me and Vex’ahlia, feeling a love like that would be incredible...and Vex, of course, she’d love to be an auntie and she’d be an amazing one.” 

Percy nodded slowly, thinking the same of Keyleth, who was his sister in all but blood, and Cassandra, how this would bring some light into her life and maybe make the city their family died in less of a nightmare for her. 

“And...well…” Vax bit his lip, looking suddenly uncomfortable, “I’m...I’m going to live a lot longer than you, Freddy. If I had a child, they’d...they’d still be with me even after…” 

The pencil suddenly slipped on the paper, leaving a streak of grey across the divide between their columns. Percy felt a hollow open up inside him. It was true, as a half elf, Vax’s lifespan far outstripped his but they both hated being reminded of that. It was a darkness that lurked in the back of their minds, able to be beaten back on a daily basis, but every so often it would lurch to the forefront just to remind them it was, and always would be there. 

He managed a brave smile, looking up at Vax, “That’s a really good point, darling.” 

Vax nodded, sighing softly, “And I mean...we’d have a baby. A beautiful little baby who looked a little like me and a little like you and entirely themselves. And every time I looked at them, I’d know… I’d know I could do anything. I could make something as amazing as that.”

The tears were falling down his face before Percy really realised it, landing on the page and blurring the words a little. 

“Don’t cry on our list,” Vax laughed, teary eyed himself, “We worked hard on that!”

Percy gave a damp laugh, wiping under his glasses, “Sorry...is that everything you want to put on the list?”

Vax thought, fingers twisting gently in his hair, “Well...Caduceus makes a really nice decaf coffee.”

Percy’s face split into a wide smile, “That he does.” On the list it went.

“So…” Vax smiled shyly, “I think that means we’re doing this? We’re going to have a baby?” 

“Looks that way,” Percy murmured, emotion welling up in his chest. He had the sense that it was going to be a teary year ahead of them. 

The list was left on the floor as Vax opened his arms for Percy to move into, crashing together into tear-stained kisses. But it would be picked up later, carefully folded and kept in the drawer by their bed. It would be taken out and reread many times over the next year, mostly the pros column, even added to a few times until it far outweighed the cons. It was badly needed a few times, a lifeline when Vax stopped his hormones, when they struggled to conceive for the first few months, the hectic day when they went to the first scan and realised it was twins, the two of them having forgotten somewhere along the way that this particular genetic quirk ran in both of their families. 

And the day Elaina and Johanna de Rolo finally entered their lives. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm over on Tumblr @mollymauk-teafleak if you want to discuss headcanons or anything else!


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